For Better or Worse: Better

Just in case the title didn’t tip you off, this article is rather frank about its subject. It is for Americans, like me, who may have heard about Japanese toilets but who have yet to actually experience one. Having done so, I really want to convince you that you should consider getting one for yourself.

What is a washlet?

A washlet is what they call high tech toilets in japan. The name is the invention of the Toto company but it seems to have stuck as a generalized name for these devices. Some of them are a whole toilet, but most of them are really just an attachment that replaces your toilet seat lid with the washlet device.

There are quite a few features you can get on these, but the core feature they offer, and what I’m here to rave about is the bidet feature. It is a wand that sticks out and washes your bunghole after you are done pooping. if you have a vagina, it can wash that too. More on that later.

Other handy features include a heated seat, music to do your business by, deodorizing features, misting to prevent poop from sticking to the bowl, sound effects to cover up popping noises, and probably a few others I’m not so familiar with. I’d just put all that in the nice to have a category.

The washlet does require an electrical outlet to plug it in, and that you connect it to the water supply that fills your toilet. They are not very hard to install, especially in these days of YouTube tutorials.

The gory details

Sure, once in a blue moon I take a dump and then one or two wipes and I’m feeling clean as a whistle. The older I get, the more often this kind of bowel movement is a rare blessing. Typically I’m looking at wipe after wipe, each a little cleaner than the last, but never really quite getting me all the way shiny.

The results? Clogged toilets, swamp ass, an itchy ass, hemorrhoids, and lots of toilet paper into the waste stream. I’ve always fought with these demons of the deuce, but the older I get, the more of a literal pain in the ass they become. If you know too well these challenges, read on.

The magic wand of the washlet is a powerful tool in fighting back against such evils. Touch the button after your business and it pokes out of its hiding place and delivers a stream of nice warm water right where it counts. You can control the temperature, strength of the stream, and in many cases the type of spray. The machine then retracts the wand and does its own little cleaning cycle to stay sanitary.

And I am here to tell you it works wonders. What would normally be a real mining operation of wipe after wipe that never quite completes becomes a just a few quick wipes and a shiny clean ass. No more swamp ass, no more hemorrhoids, no more clogged toilet and no more madly burning through toilet paper.

I can’t speak for the ladies but I understand that it’s great when you have your period and for general clean up.

Words of warning

I try to always do my research for my blog so I do have a few words of warning on the proper use of the washlet. This is a device for washing the outside of your ass, not the inside. Trying to blast water up into your poop chute is not a good plan.

You risk damaging the somewhat delicate lining of your lower intestine and you can also get rid of the important gut bacteria you need to properly break down food. Whatever you think you might be trying to accomplish, don’t do it.

Where can I get a magic ass washer?

I have not seen them in very many American hardware stores. But as with many things, Amazon.com has a large selection of washlets for you to select from. They range in price from around $100 up to $1000. The sweet spot seems to be models in the $300 to $400 range where you are getting a quality product that has the core functionality you will want.